For those of you who have been reading my blog so far it all sounded pretty exciting right? A big adventure and what I always wanted. Well they always say be careful what you wish for. This chapter is going to be different but I feel it is far too often an ignored part of these situations.
There is a section missing from every survival manual, an epilogue missing from the end of every disaster book, a massive hidden problem the world too often ignores. That's what happens when the crisis is over and things begin to return to normal. It's not visible, it happens only in the mind of each person affected by the tragedy.
Last night I called my leader at work and asked for the number for a counselling service. What prompted this? I spent five minutes frozen, crying into my steering wheel because I couldn't stop the thoughts that my wife cheated on me. Did she? No, she didn't and I was aware of this but I couldn't stop myself.
What happened to me was most likely happening to many people who had been in the same situation. I was breaking down. I don't know the reason but I know it had been building up for quite some time.
When I got the call to return to work I suffered a full blown anxiety attack because they wanted me to be separated from my Jeep. When I left my family to come back to Fort McMurray it took all my will not to turn back around at every overpass.
I stopped wanting to do things, any thing. I started smoking far more than I normally would. I considered taking drinking back up.
I am afraid to go back to my home which is perfectly fine, I am afraid to go back alone. I have started suffering constant anxiety attacks over things that aren't always real. My leader told me I appeared to be suffering ptsd based on a course he took.
Now I'm not doing this for attention, not for myself anyways. I know I can't be the only one going through this, it may not manifest the same for everyone and it may not even happen. Everyone is different, but I will tell you this, I was extremely embarrassed to admit that I couldn't do it anymore.
Crying, breaking down, or just doing things that might be considered "weak" is considered taboo especially for men. I am not looking for sympathy, I will be talking to someone and working through this, but if you are reading this and you are having a rough time, I don't care if it's because of the evacuation or an unrelated matter I want you to talk to someone.
There are plenty of counselling services available, many of which are free. Don't suffer alone, please. It's okay to be sad or scared or hurt or anything like that. What's not okay is thinking there is something wrong with you, thinking that you are alone.
I haven't cried except tears of rage since before I was double digits. The world told we it wasn't acceptable, I told myself it wasn't acceptable. I'm here to tell you I'm wrong, if it hurts, cry.
If reach the point where you just can't, or you feel you've done enough, or things have quieted down it's okay, you're not alone plenty of people have been there. Cry, scream, write, hug, talk to someone, whatever you need, the worst thing you can do is nothing.
Remember it's not a contest, everyone handles things differently but everyone experiences things. One more thing, if you notice someone that's reached their breaking point reach out to them, let them know they're not alone.
I'm signing off now, but I'll be back soon. Until then, good luck and live forever.
